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Hello Chitti..!
I know we haven't talked to each other in a while. I know that everything ended in a bad note. But I've been doing a lot of thinking and contemplation lately. And, I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. I do. Not that I want to talk to you again. Not that I want get back together. Just that I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss talking you. I miss everything about you.
After being abandoned by you, I was so put into a state where i kinda lost all the joy of my life L
Life as I knew had totally vanished. Days were like being so monotonous. I was tranced into a state where I just hate being myself anymore. I don’t know whether to forget you or to just live with the memories.
I tried a lot to distract myself. Normally I'm kind of a guy who tries to find his own happiness.
All I could is read quora, do the quotidian boring boris & the monotonous logreview.
Waited and waited, hoping a few pings but, you out there out-ran me. There were days where you never looked at me and you just looked upon me as an untouchable. Something the way we look on a disgusting insect. You even cut the friendship that I had with chintakka. I guess that was the pact that you made with her. Complicated complications huh...!
I don't know whether you were happy out there but considering me I was wrecked into pieces. I just left the world around me. Used to cry and memorize you coz I had a kind of feeling that I would forget you. I just couldn't think of myself and of the weird things.
tere liye duniya chhod di hai
Tujhpe hi saans aake ruke
Main tujhko kitna chahta hoon
Ye tu kabhi soch na sake
To get myself a shoulder I used to write down the heart wrenching things, where I could feel myself a bit settled down to normal. At that point I realized that when you are unable to open-up to someone all the best I can do is to write. There is this interesting side, that I found by and that is doodling.
The relationships with my family was more like a business call. Only incoming, no outgoing. I was so driven into a state that I hate me being called by my name and I even changed my name on FB. Later un-installed FB.
Now I am an intermittent user of FB . But every time I log-in, the first thing I do is to search your name so that I could find any updates of you. But you know why I couldn't find any updates.
As time passed by I was shifted to the ground floor and the chances of seeing you have been come down.
I am still mad at you, why did you all of sudden stopped talking with me. It was like you just ripped my chest and took the heart along with you. Alavatu iypoyavu chitti...
I waited a long for the special wish that I would/could wait on my B'day. But, yah you didn't .
God ! When did you turn such stubborn. Earlier you would just shout and sulk if there isn't a ping from my side.
Yah I do remember the days of our life when I was goofing with you around.
Later on..
As they say time has the power to heal things, but the scars could be seen.
The aching of heart has come down a little and it was me in a state where all my tear glands got evaporated and I even found myself difficult/incapable of energy to cry.
Finding happiness is too expensive these days. The next thing that I loved most is my "CHAKORI".
I will introduce when we meet. She is my companion now. A year has passed by and now we are stepping into 2017. I had not celebrated the 31st of 2016. Not even a cake was cut or a balloon was burst.
Well there is something that I hid from you. I tried alcohol. I tasted breezer, vodka, whisky, draught beer and Rum. While they turn to be romantic I haven't developed the habit of being alcoholic. As we thought that we should just taste and know how it feels like. I haven't forgot our morning wake up schedule. I used to jog and had tried growing hair and beard. Joined swimming later. Yah you could consider me as a swimmer of beginner level. I can swim back to shore alive though 🙂 if I was stuck in the middle of a sea.
Thought of some resolutions for this year and the major part that I considered most was the job change. Prepared my resume without your help and had given a try and yah I was offered a call letter from Infosys. When I said the news to my family they were all happy. But I'm not happy coz I don’t have you where you are the key person who can double and triple my happiness.
And everyone congratulated me but no one ever asked me whether I am HAPPY. Even till date especially my mom never ever asked if I was happy. All she speaks over the phone that this has happened and I think she is more concerned about my sister. She never asked me how am I doing coz she thinks I'm happy. Well something deep inside this heart has died.
Seriously we need someone with whom we can share our happiness where your joy turns to be joyful. I do really miss you a lot chitti. I'm still a hallow in search of happiness. There is no one with whom I can all be myself.
All of my room-mates planned for a pondi trip something as a last trip in memory of UNTD.
July 7th 2017 was my last working day at United Online. Well there is this movie that released on this day called "Ninnu Kori". It just reminded me of you and the least that I wished was something like in that movie where we can just stay as friends like as in F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Yah..! I started watching friends for you chitti..! Days where I just think all about you like
Chitti.. Chitti chitti chitti chitti...Chitti chitti.....X100
Something that I found is importance of me in my family has changed. Everyone is giving respect to my words and I really loved especially when it was from my father.
One more important thing is we moved from SKLM to RJY and in RJY I had watched this movie "Arjun Reddy". I was really moved and impressed by the film which is the best and too good example for true love.
My love toward you will not change and it will be forever like "I will be there for you & you can count on me like 1,2 and 3."
tujhko main rakh loon wahaan
jahaan pe kahin hai mera yaqeen
main jo tera naa huaa
kisi ka nahin, kisi ka nahin
le jaayein jaane kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
le jaayein tujhe kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
beGaani hain ye baaGi
hawayein, hawaayein
le jaayein mujhe kahaan
hawayein, hawaayein
le jaayein jaane kahaan
na mujhko khabar
na tujhko pataa
banaati hai jo tu
wo yaadein jaane sang mere kab tak chalein
inhi mein to meri
subah bhi Dhale, shamein Dhale, mausam Dhale
chehra kyun milta tera
yoon khwaabon se mere
ye kya raaz hai.
kal bhi meri na thi tu
na hogi tu kal
meri aaj hai
teri hain meri saari
wafaayein, wafaayein
maangi hain tere liye
duaayein, duaayein...
le jaayein tujhe kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
le jaayein mujhe kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
le jaayein jaane kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
le jaayein tujhe kahaan
hawayein, hawayein
Well I was hoping that one day you would get time to read through this and guess we will be back with a bang.
Yours,
You know who am I.
~J
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